If you feel your relationship isn't normal then you're probably right
Apr 21, 2021
Things didn't go 'back to normal'
I remember that feeling, I was so desperate, so sad, so distraught. I wanted my dream, my fairytale, I wanted my husband, I wanted my family.
For years I couldn't get my head around what had gone wrong and what I was doing so wrong. How could I be such a bad person for this to happen to me? How could I allow this to happen to my kids?
I was many, many years into my abusive marriage with the narcissist, and I just wanted everything to be okay. I wanted everything to be normal.
Why couldn't things just be nice? Why couldn't we just be happy? Why couldn't things just go back to normal?
It took me a lot of counselling and research to start understanding that my situation wasn't normal. I wasn't dealing with a 'normal' person in that sense. I was dealing with a narcissist.
There were so many times when I breathed a sigh of relief, thinking 'thank god, things are going to be okay now...they'll be okay moving forward' and this would simply be because there was some 'let up' in the narcissist's behaviour.
But things would never be normal. Not in anything, in any place or circumstance or at any time.
He'd offer to take me out to lunch and I'd think, at last, he's going to say sorry and make it all up to me and we can all just get on with our lives. He'd turn on the charm, take me to one of my favourite places, I'd find a table he'd get the food. (I was always lulled into a false sense of security and I fell for it over and over again).
Then as we were talking over our lunch it would start to happen again, insults, denial, gaslighting - god I would feel sick to my stomach when I'd realised he'd lured me into one of his traps again...the games had begun again for him..and he was, as usual, thoroughly enjoying himself.
That particular afternoon didn't go too well after that. I was so traumatised after spending nearly two decades with this person, and dealing with C-PTSD...
I ran from the place, down the road, watching the lorries roar by..oh god, how I wished things could just be normal..
I was panicked, I was distraught. I just wanted to get away from him but I knew I couldn't.
Right there, right then, I was stuck. I wanted a way out but I knew I couldn't take it. I eventually got into the car with him, but I didn't trust him and I didn't feel safe. We went home. I was a mess. My kids looked startled as I walked through the door, my eyes red and my face stained with tears.
There is no 'normal' with a narcissist.
They are not 'normal'.
They don't think, act or behave the way other people do.
Your misery is their delight.
They don't want you to have normal.
They want you to experience the internal hell that embodies and completely consumes them day in and day out; they relish in it.
I had to learn.
I had to learn to stop wishing everything was normal. To stop believing everything could be normal 'if I could just...' or 'if he would just..'.
IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.
Accepting that was probably the most painful step at the beginning of my own recovery and healing journey. I finally had to accept this narcissist for the dark, insidious, soulless creature he was.
My pain was his gain.
He wasn't 'normal, and he couldn't give me 'normal'. I was the only one who could do that.
So, please stop believing that things can go back to normal. Please stop wishing your life away with this monster believing that you can do something to make him behave like a normal, reasonable human being. You're going to destroy yourself if you don't cut yourself off from that misconception, that delusion.
Life with a narcissist is not normal and it never ever will be no matter how much you wish it could be.
AS LONG AS YOU STAY, IT'S NEVER, EVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
If you're currently suffering the effects of narcissistic abuse or are currently in a toxic relationship and don't know what your next steps are - know that you don't have to do this alone. Book a complimentary session with me and let's discuss how I can help you recover and find freedom again.
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